Paranoia; An RH. M Production

Monday, July 21, 2008

I got over you.

congrats to me.

TMTG.

i love laurry, she makes me so happy when i play with her. that cat can make me go a goo goo and ga ga, just letting me see her.

the namesake is a good fren, but still laurry the cat is ten times cuter than him.

l.kit!! i love you, kitty cat!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

You can't resist her.
She's in your bones.
She is your marrow
And your ride home.

You can't avoid her.
She's in the air... in the air
In between molecules of
Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide.

[chorus]
Only in dreams
We see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold onto hers.
But when we wake
It's all been erased.
And so it seems
Only in dreams.

You walk up to her.
Ask her to dance.
She says, "Hey, baby, I just might take the chance."
You say, "It's a good thing
That you float in the air... in the air.
That way there's no way I will crush your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces."

[chorus]

Only in dreams. (x6)

band: weezer
title: only in dreams

somehow, i wanna be the girl in the song. the chorus really speaks out to me.argh.

got a sudden attack of being attracted to french songs.damn transcendance. the modern dancers came up with this really good dance piece that reminds me of haunted dolls being controlled and puppets dancing on their strings.

and i've got attcked by the romance bug for ( thank god) one hour on thursday. if it had continued, i would have killed myself off or slapped myself silly.

Now i'm hungry. remind me, when i get my lunch or dinner tomorrow, buy a macdonald meal. with really really hot fries.

and i miss hot cakes too. can we have them on monday?

please?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

sit on my face, and tell me that you love me!

i love monty python. its one of the few shows i can tolerate nowadays. i just realized that my life has taken a screw up for the worse. sometimes, while sitting in the school grounds, i have this sudden strange desire to compare my life in 2008 to my life in 2004.

somehow, there's that feeling of hopelessness again. even though this time, there's no reason for it.i have frens, people enjoy my companionship, i even like them, they are much better than my classmates in Beatty.

Its just that...i have this sudden wish to go wandering about again. there's a huge propensity for me now to run out of school screaming to get off the world. yet no one's listening, so it's just me spinning around and around, trying to get my mind around things , yet just before i do so, it spins in another direction, forcing me to look at things in another perception once again.

no one seems to be able to pick it up. i have people looking and me and asking me time and again about my thoughts and if i was alright. i can never understand this country. how is it that people cannot tell others that they are fine? why is it that when the question of whether i am okay is brought up, i would always reply, " fine." when its obvious i'm not? why is it that others can be so ready to share their feelings while i am stubborn enough to refuse?

i'm turning into a ghost here. sessh was right. during normal school times, i would be happily throwing out random thing after thing while others moan at me to at least shut up once in awhile.however, once i'm out of their views, i suddenly go into this whole emo mode.

its a sudden new era then. who am i? what is my way of life? will i get into university? will i get married? will i commit suicide at 34?will i live to become a cantankerous septagenarian whose old life can only be seen through old photos and items ?

life is so short, but is this really the path i wanna take? what happens if i continue doing what i do and then one day i will wake up and realize that it was never what i wanted?

and for that matter, who am i?

in one way, i'm supposed to be a leader, a friendly , supposedly mellow person.but,somehow, my presence is ebbing. its dying.

stop this world.

i wanna get off.

pls.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

"The Saga Begins"

A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the federation into
Maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy...

Oh my my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy

We started singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance to the Force?
They interview the kid
Oh, training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said "Now listen here"
"Just stick it in your pointy ear"
"I still will teach this boy"

He was singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gunguns died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy

And I was singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We were singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

(sing this to the tune of american pie by don mclean. lyrics and singing by weird al yankovich)

i just realized something very very interesting.

the main reason why i am so mad at so many people is because i wanna reassure myself that they are the hated ones.all this while, i've hated ppl on the basis tt they are dumber than i am and dun understand what i am doing or going through.

the reason is actually much simpler. i'm afraid of being screwed over. losing tt position of my life is something tt i dun wish to make happen.

so to all those i screwed over badly.

i'm so sorry tt i did so, to re-assure my own position in my life.

remind me to get u flowers.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

i hate myself.

end of story.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

you believe but what you see
you receive but what you give

still worried about c. but i think , nay, i know,tt he'll be alright.

exams are freaking over. oh thank god!

now i just gotta be ready for tt nightmare of a class outing.

by the way, i had a weird dream.

it was a strange one.
i met a guy called nathan in my dream during a halloween party and we got along quite well.

then the whole bunch of us went to watch a play , which was...to be frank, it was in the MI auditorium.dun ask why.

anyway, he then tried to teach me the cool handshake. the one with a lot of slapping and stuff...

and when he grabbed onto my hand, and tried to teach me the handshake, i was then overcome by the fact tt his hands were big and warm over mine. eventually, he did stop , look at our hands and then mysteriously smiled.i smiled back, cause he just made me feel safe with his hand holding mine.

we then continued holding hands for awhile.

its really funny. i was convinced and knew with a total finality when i woke up tt his name was nathan and he reminded me of jack black, u know..the doof with a big heart.

anyway, i'm really bored.and i think i'm turning menopausal. for the past few days, i've been having these extreme moodswings.snapping at ppl when i'm grumpy is not a good way to establish human relationships.

i still miss you.

but tt doesn't matter to u ,does it?

u dun even know it.

bleah to myself.i'm hungry.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

To: C

kid, i'm worried about you. when i talked to you, u seemed like your normal self. well, as normal as two outcasts from Beatty can be.

then u drop the bombshell.

" i've be diagnoses with severe depression."

blank. blank. blank.

good god. it's not as serious as murder or cancer.

but this is you we're talking about.

the kid who was 2 years younger than i am, but the one who can pass off as an 18 year old, thanks to your height.

the kid who was one of the few who can stand my weird humour and rants online with the same lame humour as well.

the kid who i counted on to leaving my legacy as the outcast empress. well, u're a guy , so maybe the outcast emperor.

how did this happen?

i'm worried, kid.

i'm worried tt u might be in trouble.

something tt is so serious tt u won't talk about it.

u gotta be okay kid.