Lately, i've been angry at a few particular bunch of ppl.and even if i haven't, i've been happily teasing them or detering them using my humour or coming up with weird situations.either that or using violence to beat them up.

why?

fuckity fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
i don't intentionally do it. or maybe i do. perhaps its a second base defence mechanism.

in primary school, the official and one one and only MOE registered school in HK ( everybody say together.." ostentacious good!"), the bunch i hung out with knew that they were different. they went on exclusive holidays , they had good stuff, they were invited to each others birthdays....

unlike them, i wasn't a rich kid,so basically it was everyone but me. oh sure i had a few good frens. i still keep in contact with some of them, i've also killed off the other relationships after graduation cause some of them i knew i never wanted to see again.

then came Beatty...oh good lord. it was obvious before then i was different in primary school, but here? it was a bit like hell.

thanks to the ever open optimistic morals and values i learnt in primary school, my love for volunteering, my English that was slightly different from the accent( i think its the tone, seriously), and my love for cracking jokes and randomness, i was basically shunned. it didn' help that i was going through puberty. thus, the taunts from everyday, the teasing, the fact that everyone threw coins at me when i was drawing at the pond, cause it had fish in there , and a very pretty fountain.

those coins hurt.they were thrown from the 3rd to 4th floor.


thus.....BOOM!

here u have the ever cynic Champa Ha. the girl who cannot cope with the worse of happenings.

if it weren't for Ying Jie , Parrims, and Viha , plus some ppl cheering me from behind and my ELDDS team, i dunno what else i can say.Ying jie particularly. she's the only one who's seen me at my worst. like the time i hid in the closet when i was so depressed, or the time which i got myself into that bus accident and emerged, unhurt, but badly shaken. she was the first i called after my mom and talked me through hell after that.not being able to see her again in school was not a very good thing for me.

thus, frens of MI, u can partly see why i did not say anything to anyone on the first few days of school.


but why am i telling u this?

well, i have come to a real understanding why i have dissed some of you and hid myself behind that face .

i'm afraid.

there, i said it.

i'm afraid of losing my frens.

MI was the first place i went which had ppl who didn't dislike me. in my class, i had the ever bright fiona, the underdog YJ, Melvin, whose even weirder than i am, thus we click well, Maxime, who taught me first how to come out of the closet and join my frens. This year, i had made frens with many more, including Christine and Isabella, the beauties of 07A2, Roshilla the BOB, Joyce , blur little turtle whose desire is to fly the skies, Laurent, the psychopathic military junkie who vents on drumming and is my fellow closet geek as well, and many many others.

but now....

everything's changing.

some of the ppl i met are now gone. some are planning to leave, and some ....

i can't say. its too painful to say.

so i've seem to have started using another mechanism of mine. to irritate them or make them angry at me for no reason so that if they do ever leave, it won't hurt me so much cause i know that they didn't like me that much anyway.i look at all their faults, magnify some of them and use it as a tool to pick on them.


it's not working. cause all they do is get a bit annoyed at me, let me cool down, then talk to me again.

do i then count myself lucky to have such good frens who keep sticking by me, even though i am pratically the worst fren ever?

perhaps.

then again i could be wrong, and u guys are actually plotting to kill me using a plan that includes hiding behind a chicken coop and surprising me by hitting me with a pineapple over and over again....


but then , i just wanna say, to all the ppl who were , had once , or still are supporting me , whether in SIS, Beatty, MI especially to those whom i have mentioned and not mentioned here:


Thank you.


Thank you ever so much for sticking by me and trusting me even after all that shit.