I'm sorry to say this, but I'm freaking jealous.

I know I'm not supposed to be , but then again, it seems like every one is able to make friends, study hard and then get good boyfriends and girlfriends.

I know, I should subscribe to the whole, " Love yourself first.Greatest love of all "and all that crap. But it seems like everyday I just begin to get more misanthropic about myself and my life. With every ring of the phone comes a period of silence for me. It's like I suddenly got forced into a period of solitary meditation.

It's weird. The point in my life when I should be adjusting to myself and my principles, I suddenly start going through another Identity Crisis . Which is weird. According to what I've read in my psych textbook, I should have gone through that question in my teenage years. Instead, I seemed to be back in that circle again to the beginning stages of teenage angst.

As I am so fond of quoting Freud's Defense Mechanism against Anxiety, I seem to be doing a few of his techniques at the same time. Hm....I have been Projecting, that is, throwing my true feelings and pushing them to others , repressing , Regressing ( the stage which I seem to be at at the moment) , then denial. I'm surprised that I'm still alive after facing all these feelings at the same time. Definitely unlike a certain red head, who was said to have the emotional range of a teaspoon.

I don't know. It's just that after such a long period of time, I'm acting like a childish person again. Wait, my apologies. I was always a childish person.

So why am I jealous again? While I seem to be overthinking every step of the way and being neurotic ( interesting, the definition of this is the propensity to think of bad thoughts) , everyone , on the other hand seem to be well adjusted, happy teenagers, with friends that they can get along with in class, or are so close that they can wear the same t-shirts on the same day. They also seem to be so close that they wait for each other and shit like that.

Me? I hang with a group of people, a group of individuals that, if not for the set of circumstances presented before us, would never have met. We are too different , most of us, and sometimes I feel like we merely hang out to cling to the belief that we were not alone in this world. We don't do the things normal friends do, besides buy and share food.We don't gush. We don't really hang out outside school. And seriously, we are too different to be considered friends.birds of a feather.

Of course, you may say that perhaps I am looking too much at the suferficial level of things, that even deep down , we are all the same. Somehow, I doubt that idea. Until now, the only thing really keeping us together is nonsense.

Speaking of which, I just did an essay about how social networking sites have managed to rewire our brains. Because of the technological advances, all of us have unfortunately developed these problems. We become more narcisstic, posting things about ourselves that we think the world would wish to see, when really it's just an opportunity for us to show off, or grab attention, or get people to take pity on us. What is that, really? Instead of bringing people together, we just seem to be developing our own worldly bubble within the giant social bubble called the internet. We begin to find the need to fulfill our self gratification, so sure are we that we think that like the internet, which can find things in a jifty, life is exactly like that. We become more impatient and more inclined to abandon our ambitions and problems because they are took ardous or taking too long. Why plant a tree in your garden when you can get one fully grown in 1 day, with no risk of pesticides?

I feel the full risk of that everyday, reader. Even as much as I love Trevor, I fear the day he manages to suck me into his world, with the result being that I pay no heed to the world outside. Or again, is this my attempt to lay off participating in this world?

All the same, I still get jealous. Of those out there who seem to have it well enough.