Paranoia; An RH. M Production

Friday, February 29, 2008

okay, i got over my humiliation about the entire speech thing, and am now gearing up for the NFL.

pam was right. so was sessh.

so i should be thinking about a new topic that i know i just wanna do.

until now, i still can't. crap it......

will be working on it...as soon as i find a topic.

i dunno why, but i'm getting used to the name chumpi. too cute...but ah well...

school's getting better. i'm like strenghtening bonds everyday.
thanks to them, i've been addicted to all sorts of music. like, thanks to geran, i got addicted to strawberry fields forever, and gossip girl as well. laurent is getting me addicted to muse and i dunno if i can stop! am loving the song, knights of cydonia.

and...i dunno. i miss him loads, but i think tt's getting lesser.

does that mean i don't care?

probably means i 'm used to it.

i went to discuss oratorical with melvin and kar yee earlier in the day. i reached there late cause just as i was leaving the house, my cousin switched on the tv and the batman came up. so i sat there and watched the show for awhile before leaving.

sorry, but i am a batman fan.

then we had fun searching for plays and stuff , but in the end, for their duo interpretation, we settled on fasting, feasting.

then, as today was joyce's birthday, i then headed towards downtown east to celebrate , with the rest of them, at sakae sushi. i made a new fren, called yong sheng, from the SC. who came in later to celebrate with us. he's quite okay, plump, but funny.

anyway, i got a number today. it seems like a game that yong sheng is playing, so they asked me what number i wanted, and i got my fav 7. seeing as i got it, now they are calling me Number 7.

ah well, i got what i wanted.

humaira got sick halfway through, hopefully she is fine. fariz had to help her and let her rest on his lap. damn it fariz, you're such a nice guy. sorry i threatened to kill u if u didn't look after humaira properly. i know u will.

that was my day!!! now going to see if i can find that special guy of my dreams IN my dreams. weird phrasing, but it'll be fine.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

this is old school, but i love this song to bits. the song u , dear readers, are hearing on my blog, is one of the biggest hits by the late frontman of Nirvana, Kurt Colbain. Smells Like Teen Spirit. i have nothing else to say....except where the hell were you in my secondary school year?!!!!i felt exactly somewhere like tt!!!

let's get out of Nirvana for a few minutes.Currently, i'm reading a book called Prozac Nation by the author Elizabeth Wurtzwell, lent to me by no other than the enigmatic and weird Geran Wong. it's his favorite book and i feel honored, in a very weird way, to be allowed to read it.

gods....can't wait till i get out and scream bloody murder....i want out ! i want out!!! and wonder if there was a possibility i'll cry.

i hate myself. yet i love myself.

who knows if i'll ever make up my mind?

p.s. thank you sessh. thank u for everything.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

okay, updates.

sat- went to speech workshop, did my speech, along with many others. i did well, the judges liked me, which was scary cause there was this guy called wiky ( i think tt's how his name is spelt) who was so harsh on all the others, but was okay with me.

seriously, he was very critical of all the others...even pam which i thought was really good, and van too...he accused a girl for plagiarism and zhen yi for being a copycat! my goodness....even the guy next to me, govan , agreed.

by the way, i made a new friend , his name is govan...duh!he and i had fun riding the lift 6 times.

dun ask why.

sunday- nothing happened , except for perhaps the giant turkey running around.

aw...heck it, let's skip the next three days to what happened today.

i failed miserably today.

really , for a person, supposedly good on speaking, how is it that three other people manage to beat me? for that matter, nobody applauded for me, like they did for pam, melvin and vanessa.

i feel like such a dickhead. i was so disappointed i felt like crying, cause i didn;t even win anything.

if this is what's it's like, i think i'm giving up on speaking and i'll just continue on in being a nobody.

cause i am so envious of everyone, and i just miss it.

gods, why do i even feel like crying now?
i am such a dumbass.

by the way, i'm also ugly to boot
and stupid.

i hate myself . again. and i dun want your sympathy.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

SCREW ALL THAT. whatever i said last time.

i hate myself now, hate what ever i do, hate whatever i say. fucking hell. i haven't freaking recovered, i just became even more suppressed than i used to be. my mom is also not helping much. every time she comes, she always jibes at me at how clumsy i am, how i act like a pig and how i should just be sweeping the roads outside.

she just came back to snap why i always see the need to close th dorr when i'm in the room. th dorr. i can't even spell right now. i am so becoming a delinquent.

and now i just realized that I've slowly and gradually becoming more envious of a fren in school. to me , she's great. she's the type that everyone and anyone can like. she's also quite pretty, and also really, really smart. and, the worse part is. she's nice. she's nice to me. and that makes me feel really guilty cause i am goddamn jealous. she's not clumsy. nobody ever says she resembles a pig, and guess what? she's smart too!

that's what i admire about her. and that's what i hate about her too.

i'm becoming so hypocritical . i can be nice, then be pissed at the person in just a matter moments. i wanna pour my problems, but no one is listening. the irony? everyone wants me to hear their problems.

everyday, it's the same thing. i talk too much, i'm so clumsy, i sneeze so loudly, i'm lazy. i am a really irritating person. i hate people ordering me around, yet i let them do so.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

i just sat down just now and went through a story which was so touching it went straight into my brain, which hurt my heart.

and i cried , all over again, inside that living house within my brain as my heart bled out.

Monday, February 18, 2008

it's really , really weird. today i laughed so much and so hard, but then i come home and i become my grim old self. just goes to show how depressing i am. god, i must have laughed all out today.

SIMUN is tough, but somehow i want this badly. for once in my life i wanna show that i can do this well enough . ms choo must have seen something in me, thus she picking me must have been for a reason. sometimes, i just try to put in so much effort, but everyone just tells me to relax and take deep breaths. then i just give up. cause , seriously, why even bother? it's not even perfect.

argh. defeatist attitude.

anyway, i realized something strange after so many years. coming to MI may be the best choice i made. to think, tt about a year ago, i was dreading school, cause it meant that i was back to weirdo status. hey. it happens.

and now i seem so happy. i seem to be smiling every day, i keep laughing so hard. everything just seems to be of so much colour...but sometimes, i think it's a dream. then it'll disappear and it would turn out i was stuck at SRJC, taking arts and being taunted. i received another facebook invitation from HER. gods, i hate her. i hope i never get to see her. ever.

i am so full of hate.

a few years ago, when i was 15, i suffered from a weird kind of bullying. it felt at that time tt everyone hated me, and the whole world was against me. somedays i'll sneak in to the mc donalds at sembawang to write on this particular blog. i was so confused, so blur , and i felt as though nothing would go right. this was reflected on my blog posts.i posted my contradictions, and my feelings at knowing so little, and of course, my inability to see whether i was nowhere or into the deep abyss.

somehow now, it's different.

i still see the abyss. i still see nowhere. i even see that fog which i would disappear to many a time to escape.

now, however, there's a weird field that stretches for a long while. butterfiles are there.giant oak trees grow there, one with a small nook which i can recede into. sometimes the sun stream into my sight, which is why i avoid it, but i happily sit there and read or dream.

then that hand comes towards me, and i know that that abyss may never disappear, and the fog will never disapparate. nowhere will always be the large rambling path i never , yet know

but that hand stretching out is outreached to me. and someone's voice comes to my ears. i dunno who this persons is , cause the sun is too bright, but i seem to know who this person is.and i know also that everything will turn out fine somehow.

" come on, champa! the day is so great!"

and i reach out and join this person, hand in hand, to play with so many others.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

do u know how bad to be hit by a giant bamboo pole just because u accidently pushed something? and for tt matter, twice?

argh....first my nose and my glasses, then my shoulder.my poor body

anyway, today is feb 14th.
those who know me well know what tt means, don't u? yup! commercialized romance day! or as i call it, the st valentine's day massacre anniversary~!!yay!!! for the last few years i have been having fun promoting these activities, from the st valentine's day massacre letters to this year's water gun shooting! yes, i bought those water guns at Art Friend for a reason!whoohoohoo!!!anyway, will be doing the game tomorrow! if u see a bunch of us shooting water at each other...tt's because....we ARE shooting water at each other!!!haha!!!!

by the way, i tried out the range......
quite good....

anyway, i received flowers today!flowers!!! three roses and some other pretty ones~ yaya!!!

yup , these are the ones! pity tt they weren't given by robbie williams or george clooney...fiona gave them to me. and i received a piece of chocolate from laurent. which was very nice of him....it's a gold version of ferrero rocher.....ferrero manderly, right?

anyway, to celebrate, we went to pastamania! had the banana and choco cheese pizza again!!!! now tt was YUM!

anyway this was the message i sent to my frens after getting messages wishing me a happy valentine's day:

okay, since ppl keep sending me weird messages, i shall do the same:
to all the suckers who believe in valentine's day. i hope you like to spend your money, thus helping to keep this commercialized romance day alive. support the st valentine's day massacre!with laughter, champa.

hey , a lot of ppl applauded me for tt message!

anyway, after talking so much about today, i shall let it be known. i have always hated commercialised romance day. i mean , think about it this way, companies are actually taking advantage of the day to make ppl buy stuff for their loved ones. i mean, come on,15 bucks for a bouquet? come on....u kid me. perhaps i am bitter.

Monday, February 11, 2008

The Unknown Citizen

(To JS/07/M/378 This Marble Monument Is Erected by the State)

He was found by the Bureau of Statistics to be
One against whom there was no official complaint,
And all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the modern sense of an old-fashioned word, he was a saint,
For in everything he did he served the Greater Community.
Except for the War till the day he retired
He worked in a factory and never got fired,
But satisfied his employers, Fudge Motors Inc.
Yet he wasn't a scab or odd in his views,
For his Union reports that he paid his dues,
(Our report on his Union shows it was sound)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with his mates and liked a drink.
The Press are convinced that he bought a paper every day
And that his reactions to advertisements were normal in every way.
Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully insured,
And his Health-card shows he was once in hospital but left it cured.
Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Installment Plan
And had everything necessary to the Modern Man,
A phonograph, a radio, a car and a frigidaire.
Our researchers into Public Opinion are content
That he held the proper opinions for he time of year;
When there was peace, he was for peace; when there was war, he went.
He was married and added five children to the population,
Which our Eugenist says was the right number for a parent of his generation.
And our teachers report that he never interfered with their education.
Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd:
Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard.

 -- W. H. Auden

Argh...this was the poem given to us for paper five lit today. i was quite okay about it....until i realized tt the subject matter was NOT about a man living in a communist state.shame on me. anyway this was in wikipedia:

The Unknown Citizen is a poem by W. H. Auden, written in 1939 and first published in 1940. It is the epitaph of a man, identified only by a combination of letters and numbers ("JS/07/378"), and described entirely in external terms. He is said to have lived an entirely average, therefore exemplary, life; the last lines of the poem dismiss the questions of whether he was "free" or "happy", implicitly because the statistical methods used by the state to describe his life have no means of understanding such questions.

uh...huh......i think i get it. ah well....

anyway!!! i have gotten a very good idea!!! from now on every monday i shall post a letter from an imaginary character from shakespeare in a short of aunt agony kinda way, only her name is aunt shakie......mostly from either Othello or King lear lah, easier for u guys to identify.here's today's letter.

dear aunt shakie,

Like....HI! I'M A WOMAN IN MY 20S WHO HAS LIKE A PROBLEM WITH MY TOTAL BITCH OF A SISTER! I MEAN LIKE, U KNOW, THERE USED TO BE LIKE THREE OF US, BUT DAD KINDA KICKED THE YOUNGEST ONE OUT OF THE HOUSE,AND THINGS HAVE BEEN LIKE TOTALLY COOL FOR US SINCE DAD LIKE U KNOW, ALLOWS US TO DO WHATEVER WE WANT NOW, BUT TT'S LIKE, WHATEVER ! so like, here's my problem....see i used to go out with this guy and my sister used to have another guy tt she has been steady for like.....totally forever! i mean like, last time they used to like make out in the house and kiss each other and make kissy noises tt make me gag, but like whateva. so like what happened was, the guy i've been making out with like , so totally got killed off, so he's like not my stead anymore , and the guy tt my sis has been making out with? now they're like totally whatever with each other now.
so like anyway, today i like found this new guy called edmund , who's like a total stud and all....and edmund says tt i'm the hottest girl tt he has ever found, but like my skank sister totally found out about it, and because she is so freaking jealous of me, she like totally stole edmund under me! tt is so freaking unfair!i mean , it's not as though goneril knows how to look good, when all she does is like sit around and moon all over the place , plus she has tt icky hair which i like so totally told her tt she should have used conditioner for horses for her hair for like , FOREVER! and she like never moisturises and stuff and all this edmund stealing stuff is making my pretty little brain hurt so i thought i'll write to u! do u like have any ideas on how to like get back on my skanky sister? and like do u have any tips on how to make eyesbeows look nice? i like totally had this brush once but then i found out it had like chemicals on it and i was all eww and stuff.

-reGrrl!4N

and tt's today's post guys!! tomorrow.....what will auntie shakie reply? stay tuned!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

highlights of today study session:

managed to prank melvin in several interesting jokes eg, convincing him tt his fly was open when his jeans are the BUTTONED ON type (melvin u silly billy) , giving him a crap definition of aggregate supply and him believing me so much tt he copied the entire thing before realizing it was wrong

started a chocolate waterfall using the library's e- kiosk and iced chocolate....( i swear it was an accident, hopefully the stain will clear out from the carpet.)

mr benny lim somehow identifying melvin and coming up to say hi. thank goodness i wasn't there, cause i was searching for a potato salad. but ah well.

me laughing my head off at melvin's story about his 4 year old cousin smashing his earphones to bits.

gtg now. mom's gotta kill me.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

as usual , i have a song stuck in my head, this time it's melvin's fave song "fashionista".argh

today, remarkably for a half day, was pretty decent compared to past chinese new year celebrations. we had the usual sing along sessions and the dances and stuff, but we also had a terrorist attack , thanks to the NEC 's presentation of Total Defence Day. Dinesh was one of the presenters...to be frank i'm getting worried about this dude.the last time i actually interacted with this guy, he was all down...which was bad, cause i had never seen him look this depressed.....anyway, he seemed better now...damnit i hope he is. i had to go towards someone who i never really wanted to talk to and ask for advice.

so anyway he seemed better ( well he sabohed me into answering a question on total defence, thus he has to be better).he later apologized, but i told him to forget it. i felt better seeing him go about his usual way again......but then again, who knows if he was just pretending to be better in order not to worry others?

now tt i think about it, after i came to singapore, i experienced abit of a shock... it turns out tt people in singapore , when answering the question," are u alright?", they will actually say," no." usually i dun do tt, and just say tt i'm alright even if i dun seem like it, or i dun feel like it's alright.

why do i do this?perhaps to conceal the facts tt i am as vulnerable as the normal human? it seems like so. when it was mentioned during drama tt i cried , walked out and locked myself into the handicapped toilet after a really botched up gp presentation, they looked at me and said, "champa cried?!!!"

irony factor: i was a real crybaby when i was a kid. all the way till i was 7. the teacher somehow beat it out of me.

but i digress. i hate being vulnerable. i hate showing my true feelings about people. people hug each other and tell others tt they are appreciated all the time, i however have to resort to gruff tactics and loads of denial with regards to people. for all my crushes, i have laughed, denied and hid all my feelings for them, pushing them away as the days go by. why do so? natural human reaction. people in control are always the ones in power. i aspire to be like them, thus i have to start training now.

it's weird tt people can easily show their emotions and are more able to express themselves to people when i can't.

anyway, going back to the next following situations....i wanna go for the korean trip.....gotta do some research and also the position paper....ciao~!

Sunday, February 03, 2008

my speech on sexuality education went well yesterday.i guess bringing in south park was a good idea. at this point i'll like to thank south park for helping me understand many points in my life and also about current events.

the speech lesson we had yesterday was a very interesting one too. eric feng showed us a video on good speakers and showed us one speech in particular,"lessons from fat dad." that speech was so touching i cried. only one saw me do that but i swore her to secrecy, after she lent me a pack of tissues.

then after that , i went shopping with my " gay " fren, melvin. ( sounds of screaming in admiralty,"OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME!"). okay fine, doofus, u're a metro fren , kay?
anyway, he accompanied me shopping at orchard, which by the way, thank u. can't believe u actually tolerated my extreme pickiness in clothes....

so we went to far east where we started a debate on what to buy. for me i actually wanted to find something acceptable and then run off to borders, but melvin was more of the " you gotta try it on and for god's sake buy a bag and a pair of shoes for yourself as well." kinda shopper. after the first ten minutes, we had our first buy: a pair of converse shoes.....from melvin.

it was then isabella found us, for she was out shopping with her frens in far east as well. she scared me so throughly i screamed and jumped.

anyway, we exchanged pleasantries, and continued on our way, with melvin harping every few minutes," buy a bag! buy a bag!" and me going, 'yes pa."

so in the end, i bought a dress,( melvin insisted on me trying it on, but i refused profusely, with me winning in the end) and a pair of shoes,( small brown shoes with a slight heel) melvin then went to drag me to a bag shop, where we spent 10 mins arguing over what bag to buy ( he wanted me to buy something with a flower on it! A FLOWER! oh my god.)

in the end, we forgot all about the bag. ( i win again!) and went off to borders.

we met geran at orchard as well, he caught us at the mrt station escalator.he seemed like his good old slacker self .

melvin knows too many people, by the way. the whole of yesterday we bumped into people he knew,( his fren, his other fren and her bf, his secondary school chinese teacher and a group of frens he saw but did not acknowledge.shopping with melvin is a very tiring prospect, and not for beginning shoppers. if so, drink loads of 100 plus, or coke.

on the plus side, he did allow us to go to borders, so we went.

by the way, i have this feeling i'll be meeting more than a few competitors in speech. joy was fantastic. so was kar yee. i dunno about the rest of them, but i wanna find out.

so until next time, smiles galore!

-rhiannonmerlin

ps. don't think i dunno what u are doing, i'm on to u, kid.