i begin to feel tt in my maintaining of lifestyle, i'm actually killing myself off slowly as i get more tired every day, catching minutes of sleep during class, being more mean as time goes by, hurting ppl in some ways or others. my temper's wearing thin, guys, i dunno why and how it happened, but when i get irritated with you, u should know why. god darn it, what is wrong with me this year? my once happy existence is now being broken up bit by bit. the hidden cracks that no one but me could see before are more obvious now, it's tearing me apart. my state seems to be better than ever, but somehow....i want out .

good god, my rants are getting so chopped up tt that is the only thing i can say. strangely, it seems like i've been locked in a gilded cage for a year and 2 months and only beginning to see the true extent of my imprisonment. my cage seems to be boundless, making me happy in some ways, but......i feel trapped. caged, somehow. and more ppl seem to become clown masks as i go through the days. i know tt there are ppl i can go back to.

so where are u? perhaps i dun trust you guys. how unfortunate i am such a distrustful person.

god darn it, damn this whole charade.

there are some people whom i dun wanna hurt, but i seem to hurt regularly, even though i shouldn't. it sucks , basically, to see the hurt in their eyes.

but , i have to admit . sometimes i get happy tt i hurt them.

here's an example. would it kill u to understand that when ppl ask u to relax when u are particularly fine, u get them irritated? more than usual?

or when ppl say ," are u okay?" you reply," yes." and they insist," now now, come on spit it out, what is wrong with you? there's something wrong isn;t it?"

i'm so sorry. i did say i was fine , right? stop asking me!

it's weird. when i first arrived in singapore and started living here full time, i realized tt ppl actually say"no" when others ask," are u okay?"

where's the defense mechanism? don't u guys have one? i dun get it, why are u guys so ready to show tt u are vulnerable and weak? weakness is not a good thing to show! if u keep showing ppl your weak side, u cannot be strong tt way! and for that matter, if i dun wanna show my problems, i won't say it, wild horses won;t drag tt out of me.i dun want pity from u guys, i want respect.

okay, i'm a bit on edge here. breathe and explain:

today during assembly, there was a slight commotion as birds actually flew into the mi hall. weird in itself cause birds dun like the MI hall when it';s bright and has the scent of humans.

which can explain the disorientation of one poor particular bird, who flew into the back window and cracked it's neck, dying .

bernadette actually cried at the sight of the students later crowding around the area, not to help the bird lead into a peaceful existence to the underworld, but to take photos instead.

i admit, i had tears in my eyes too.

why did th bird do such a thing?

what caused it's disorientation and what on earth prompted it to smash itself into the window?

i guess the most disturbing thing was....

i related to the bird.

was i , like that poor bird, going to go crazy one day and run around my cage, finally killing myself in an attempt to escape my world?


great merciful goddess. help me.