it's been too long.

ever since i made the decision, i have never felt freer. To be free of that obligation 2 years back was one which has caused me much joy, much more freedom than i expected.No longer was I supposed to be happy when i was not , and the uncomfortability just made it worse for me. Thus, after she left, i severed most of my ties with them. she wanted me to be happy with them, and despite it, i still was unhappy. so i made it, and i was happy.

so why do i keep turning to the pages to see him? Have i become so sentimental that i've been pining for someone for that long?

it's been such a long time, and honestly, i hate it. This wretched feeling in my gut that makes me feel almost pity for that lost friendship. Too long, i have pushed people away even when i needed them the most and this one example was one of them . However, because of such, i have literally spoiled myself to trust others. this astonishing fear and lack of commitment was something i thought i banished 3 years ago. only too late do i now look back and realise that it was but an ersatz one.a pale imitation that had successfully deceived me and my mind.

sometimes i wonder if that's the reason why despite my friends, i am ultimately still standing alone. trying to encourage myself with more of the cliched in the end have still made me more unsettled with myself. sometimes i think that my insecure mind is at fault , the reason why i feel this way.

then i try to brush it off and occupy myself with unnecessary things.trying to think of what i said is more or less self pity and trying to get out of it is not helping. being alone so much tends to make you not realise when you're in it. its not pain i'm suffering. but what is it?

and for that matter, what does that make me? i'm supposed to be confident and strong, but its just a cry of attention so that someone in the end still remembers who i am. Sometimes i wonder if that why Gilbert acts up the way he is, the fact that he was once a great empire who conquerored so many other nations and now has to deal with the fact he's no longer that guy is the reason why he does what he does. In a way, i'm like him. the humour and sacarstic one liners is so that people still remember who i am, and i won't be forgotten.

what luck. i already am. and this is just evidence of my cry for attention. Boo hoo, look at the girl who always groans about how lonely she is, blah blah blah. no one understands her, she's more or less old news now. such a sensitive girl, what kinda person snaps so easily? why can't she just take it easy like the rest of us? why should she always shove herself into the limelight? attention seeking whore.

i hate this. i thought i was okay, i thought i was fine. turns out its just another lie in a whole series of one. hey, james , maybe you were right. cause i feel like one who can't handle the truth and lies to herself everyday.